Escaping the Lions Den – Leaving an Abusive Relationship.
One of the most challenging areas of human existence is that of relationships. We all need to be loved and yet our relationships with out family, parents, siblings, sexual partners and children can often be very troubled. Unfortunately for many of us, when we think that we have finally escaped from a difficult family life where there has been a degree of abuse, into what has seemed to be ‘the man/woman of my dreams’ we may find that we have jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.
Patterns of abuse in childhood traumatizes us leaving our nervous systems highly charged. Abuse that happens at a pre-verbal age is even more difficult since the affects of it lie deeply unconscious, but like a ticking time bomb that eventually undermines our health through mysterious illness or addiction. Our psyche or soul is always seeking to heal trauma and will present us with endless situations, known as ‘re-capitulation’ in order to heal the wounds. One such way is that if we have had an abusive childhood we may again pair up with a partner who abuses us. With our already degraded, often unconscious sense of self, worthlessness and poor boundaries, we easily fall prey to an abusive partner. Excited that our lives are going to be ‘happy ever after’ we wake up to finding another nightmare. We become trapped in the Lions Den.
How can we escape a violent and abusive relationship? When we have been so worn down both by physical and emotional violence, we may be in fear for our life. Continued depletion of our adrenal systems and a prevailing feeling of fear and overwhelm, keep us imprisoned in a sense of ‘there is no way out of this’. Strangely our abusers often become the only ‘friend’ in the world. We hang on, gratefully gobbling up even the tiniest crumbs of apparent affection. We may also fear for the person that is abusing us. ‘He or she will not cope if I leave.’ Being locked in this situation neither supports your well being or theirs. By finding a way to leave, to escape the Lion’s Den, is the way forward for healing for both. How painful and poignant when we do escape such a relationship and find ourselves trapped a second or third time with other partners in the same way. We may despair and think, ‘this time I thought that I had made the right choice’. Until we can become conscious of the hidden trauma and the patterns endlessly playing out we will keep repeating. With this high degree of ongoing abusive relationships, it is important to take a step towards unravelling and understanding the past before committing to another relationship. You may consider getting some therapy with a trauma therapist or psychotherapist.
Meanwhile to get out of this relationship will take determination and courage. Know that it is vitally important that you do. If you catch yourself justifying staying, then know that this in itself is a symptom of the trauma. Your partner may also be doing everything possible to manipulate and control you. One of the hardest things in such a relationship, is having a distorted image of self. An abusive partner can psychologically turn your world upside down. You need to find a friend, tell them about the violence, improve your financial independence and create a better sense of self worth. Knowledge is power.
Resource yourself in whatever ways that you can, whilst planning your escape. Have the determination that you are worthy of a better life. Violence can break everything but it can never kill your soul. Do what you can by improving your diet and gentle exercise to get yourself stronger. Find out where there is a refuge or safe place that you can go to. Search online if you can for www.womensaid.org.uk, it has lots of ways to help you or ring 0800 2000 247. Be aware that if you are a man you can still be a victim of domestic violence.
Remember that you are not the cause of this violence. You DO NOT DESERVE it and you DID NOT ASK for it. You deserve respect and trust. You have a right NOT to be physically or emotionally harmed, or forced to do anything that you don’t want to do.
For further help with trauma of any kind contact me, go to my blog for articles.
Juliet Yelverton
www.healing-waters.co.uk
[email protected]
Healing Trauma can free your life