Longing for Intimacy? – Don’t let your old pain get in the way.
Do you long for someone completely caring and understanding. A lover who can give you a special embrace and a loving word. How shocking it is when you have found that deep intimacy with a partner but it becomes a deeply fearful and activating experience. Activation is when we are carrying a traumatic experience in our bodies and we become triggered back into that original event through an innocent word or action. Our soul is very clever. It creates situations where we can heal our original trauma. Somehow it recognizes just the right person that is going to press all the buttons for us to feel it again and this time maybe have a chance to heal it. This is most likely the person that fulfills the dream of the ‘ideal’ partner. It begins as a loving connection and suddenly there are fireworks. Reactions on both sides leading to a deeper and deeper disconnect until we dig deep to the roots of our pain.
Intimacy is a deep opening and connection between two people. We are at our most vulnerable in this connection. How deeply wounding when the hidden pain from unresolved trauma is triggered and we cannot protect ourselves. We may be carrying a psychological pattern resulting from our trauma that is the opposite to what our partner is carrying, so that the reactions feed into each other.
For instance, if we were abandoned as a baby, we might believe that: “it is not safe for me to love because when I do, I will be left.” Our partner may have been stifled and over controlled by a parent, having absolutely no personal power in the relationship. The belief they carry may be: “ I will die if I can’t get free.” Both partners may experience a lot of fear about ‘existence’ not being safe. These two unconscious patterns can create an incredible amount of conflict and deep emotional pain. It may even lead to physical or emotional abuse with serious affects for any children in the relationship. This is just one of the many kinds of interactions that can come up in a close relationship.
If you have a relationship in this conflict, then it is important that both of you get some help. It is important to understand the causes of the conflict are not really what appears on to be on the surface level. Remember, you cannot change your partner. You can only work on your own pain doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Firstly become aware of your own unconscious patterns. Keep a journal. Pay attention to what the triggers are that are causing you the pain. Write down your reactions. Begin to understand how you defend yourself against pain. Do you seek out distraction in some activity or addiction? Do you pretend it is not happening and go numb? Are you angry and attacking? Perhaps you run away. Do you withdraw and act cold? Begin to identify nervous system reactions and understand that this not a conscious choice. The two levels are ‘fight and flight’ causing you to be aggressive. Or it could be parasympathetic ‘shut down’, which leaves you feeling numb, disconnected and even dissociated. Understand that this is caused by an instantaneous flooding of neurotransmitters into your body, determining your physiology and physical responses. This powerful traumatic response can be simultaneously happening to both partners in the relationship.
Share information about what happens for you so that your partner can understand. It is important to get some ‘space’ and objectivity on your reactions. You can now employ trauma healing techniques. What was the original wounding? If you know then, these are the issues to work on. EFT is powerful, along with Somatic Experiencing a body based trauma therapy.
Take the time today to begin your journey of healing. Write in your journal the cause of pain. When did you feel that pain before? Take time out for yourself. Nurture yourself. Have compassion for your suffering. Remind yourself, the past is over and you are now safe. For help contact Juliet Yelverton at [email protected] or see healing-waters.co.uk